I speak Catanese. Cat-a-nese. The lingua franca of cats. ‘Meows’ are reserved for human feeders, ear and chin scratchers. To make them feel, you know, good. To foster a sense of ‘Hey-I-know-cats’. To create an illusion of kinship. Humans going ‘meow, meow’ every time they see a cat. That’s the equivalent of human videos. For cats. Makes their night.
There are very few who know Catanese. In fact, there’s only one I know of – myself. It’s a long story of how I came to master this mysterious linguistic skill. Many hours of gingerly pushing stuff from tabletops, weaving between legs, and curling up on sofas will be required to tell it. Also, I have been sworn to secrecy over a rather dead fish. If I tell you, I’ll have to scratch you. Or regurgitate my breakfast consisting of aforementioned dead fish on your favourite sofa. Nobody likes that.
So, I won’t spill the beans. Well, I can tell you this much. Featured in the photo is Ser Braun of House Felinius, One of his Name, Slayer of Shadows, and Player of Prey. He has asked me to relay one vital piece of information to you all. He has observed that humans now think that they breathe through their throats. I mean there’s no explanation for why the life-saving masks would be gracing their necks instead of covering their noses and mouths. Ser Braun doesn’t want to lose one of his nine lives due to this extreme act of idiocy. Yes, cats get it from humans. Not the other way round. That’s two facts actually. It’s all right. Ser Braun is feeling generous.